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I miss hearing that everyday. Courtney wish you were out there to actually know how I feel. I would love to see how you would act if that happened to you and our sides were flipped. I come out to strong…. Wow okey! that is why I was proposed to you. that is why I would have loved to wake up to the one person I knew from the start. I wish you realized I treated you like a princess and I got nothing back. I wish you could read this, because I waited for you after the phyc. I talked about you constantly to all my friends. even the girls that liked me. Because I feel inlove with you. so 2.5 months after that I waited. you came back then a couple weeks later you started dating caleb after me waiting. then you told me that cops had to get your facebook… oh wait you were dating Ryan… thanks. then lock up and I was out waiting. then mental hospital and I was still waiting. then we had a baby and that was sucked dead. then waiting, while i was at greggs you were with the guy that raped you at the movies when you lied to me… I didnt care. I loved you. then you cheated on me again. then lock up and I waited again, I got locked up and you waited the 8 days congratz….. and I got out and I proposed,…… and you said “you really do love me! :’(“  Of course…. always have and I think possibly always will. however you end it again…. and then lock up I waited for you…… I talked to my best friends girlfriend sorry that hurt wow….. she was in a relationship at the time… thanks! then you get back I give you my ipod, I give you my heart my soul my everything I could possibly give…. and you tossed me out. went out with someone else that day……. I was codepend sorry about that. I just never loved someone so much I didnt know what to do. you were everything beautiful and lovely and all happiness in one. then you were gone. I saw the light, then came back to reality my life sucks! however then sarah came along and built me right back up…… why are we dating…… I dont want to loose my greatest friend, I screw up constantly I ruin everything. you dont need me please just stay my friend because you are all I got. I dont have happinesss anymore, I dont have the reason to love or to live. I have a broken family. I have a broken heart, I am only good for thta one person ypuo can treat like shit…. because everyone else does. why not hang myself why not drink myself gone. because when I am out sleeping I am dreaming of paridise, when I wake up its all over. its all gone. just like most of thje people in my life. just like my life ever since weed. anything since 2008 has been cracks in the road. the stairs to heaven, the tip of the ice berg. one more thing can and will push me over the edge. dont be afriad its not you its me. its because I am so not okay. I hate living so much that this could very well be the last thing I write… I just want everyone to know I am sorry I let you down. I am sorry that I wasnt the person you thought I was. I am a failure. and  I cant even graduate high school. each year a major  thing happens, can I feel my body anymore yes it hurts and only some parts are numb…. I wantto be numb all over, I want to be cold and rotting with the zombies. Iam not who you think I am. I am pathedic. and a waste of space. I am a bastered a ,motherfucker. I am a kid with no dreams anymore because all my dreams get crushed. I guess they said dream big so let everything in… wow that makes sense now…

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